the missed spaces, the missed places, the missed times, the missed rhymes, the missed persons I could have been or will be, the fear that restricts me, the choices that elate me, the food that prolongs, the life that kills and opens and winds up and scares and tears and screws, inspires and heightens and pitches and rolls and drowns and crowns and takes hold of and molds and breaks and pours into and empties and burns.

and here we steal away together

recorded 28.5.18

Through a ritual and through every day which is the path behind me, my path to experience the now is revealed, and in time, we move in one direction, my path into the future is also revealed.

 

Writing has been my eye on the past. Not with nostalgia but with a need for magic. A rewriting in my mind, of the painful moments, so that I can understand that they are equally as relevant to my place in the here and now, as the joyful moments have been. One eye on the past and one eye on the here and now. I use these tools to assist me in moving, not forward, not toward the future, rather in this moment.

 

I have been gifting myself with a commitment to dance with the music, not to the music, for the opening sets in the bh for a few months now. I am grateful for those around me, that they understand who I am and that this is what I need. And I am grateful that I may have this experience at all, but also in their presence, that they respect my turning inward, they allow me to take this private space, amongst them.

 

I have been working to see my habits, to understand if they support a healing or harming action. I am working the unravel the habits which support harming.

 

Not listening, moving from a place of fear instead of trust, moving from my right side.

 

This last being a physical habit, I felt the unravelling is a easier task for me, then a mental habit. So I chose to commit these moments during the opening set, to turning inward, focusing on my body and mind in the here and now, to unravelling a habit.

 

In the middle of one black hole, as the the sound casessed and enticed my body into movement, I stopped. I created stillness, I breathed in from the top of my head and pulled that breathe through to my toes, and then I just let go, no effort in the exhale, such a gift, this freedom. And from this place of stillness, I moved my left foot in an arcing motion toward the space to my left. My lower body swivelled from the left hip with strength of contracted muscles, my foot fell, weight shifted and my upper body pulled by this undercurrent, like the top of a wave, followed. My body was pivoted ninety degrees. I experienced a shifting in the way the sound waves met my body, how they felt and heard, a new forward, a new space completely, such change following such small movement.

 

With the music I found a rhythm to move to the left, continuously, for around four hours. To the journey forward in time, down the river dj sprang from, a current to be pulled by. And in this space I experience simultaneously another movement, a maelstrom with its center, my core.  

 

I trusted my choice, I experienced my choice, I followed it until a element fell away, the music, until was pulled into the ocean, salt, cold, vast. The bodies around me gave me the space to experience this choice, and therefor I was able to live it out for many many moments, unravelling my habit, discovering the habit was not only a physical one, but of course, for as the mind is contained in this body and expresses itself through this body, the maleastrom revealed the habit of not trusting was also being unravelled. Trusting myself, my body, my right to be, and trusting those bodies which surrounded me as well.

 

The bloom from this tree of experience of trust is rich in hue, in angles, in textures, in scent.

 

No distress. No violation of the body or mind. They danced together, rejoicing in freedom.

 

Every being which can hold onto experience, pull it from the past into the now via the mind, has the right to experience freedom and the resulting dance, over and over and over, endlessly. The right to dive deep into the now, the smell, the sounds, the moving beings in your proximity, the wind, the sun, the orbiting moon and the spinning earth. To find freedom and experience its beauty. I deserve this, and you and you and you, endlessly and in multiplicity.

 

I am a peace warrior. With my body-mind-mind-body I work to manifest moments of freedom for everyone, for even as I was spinning in peace and joy, it was only truly joyous because I was amidst other beings, and I saw the joy spread from body to body, a shared experience of freedom.

recorded 9.6.18

recorded 26.3.18