recorded 2.12.17

We wait, a head in my lap, a weight and warmth which equates to an acute happiness in me. Mal is a reclining (not nude), a tumble of black fabric ending between my legs. They sleeps while I write. And they will help me build a nest alongside our bed, so I might write while they sleep, a wall of space, a thin slice of air, enough of a boundary line so that my mind might understand the choice of two spaces, active words written and passive reality floats before my closed eyes and if I might close my eyes in more places, approach a wider circumference as home, my home, our home, to trust this space and to respect this space, to open up this space or see as it is, no boundary lines even where there are walls simply another way of confronting flowing molecules (with) my body. To ask for what I need what I need, to not feel shame, to let blood flow out of my body, toward the ground, to feel and see and smell the absence of a child in my womb the aftermath of my choice to not fill this space, to share this experience and not be shamed, as we share and express the growing love when one does choose to stop the flow, to grow, to move the focal point into the womb, to focus inside on that spot of so much life the anything can be and the is that can only be. And as i write these words again i wish to share that the callus on the third finger of my right hand is not engaged it is breathing and has done the work has received the pressure of these words perhaps seven hours earlier and now i write with two hands and they move like my heart and my breath and my blood they move without my commands they move to share these words with you and so we steal away together and we move together towards the space between two magnets to the moment when these two dates will align and there is no difference between the then and the now and the lies and the truth there is me and us and we and he and she and they and space and time and its products of love and i tell my story because this is all i can do. No fear. And know that when i have moved from a place of fear and it has rippled outward and confronted bodies and i have hurt, this was all i could do at this moment, for me there was no choice, i did not know how, i am learning to trust and i am building a path and i do not know if others have been able to walk this path of trust easily from day one but i do know that i have not and only now thirty one years and eleven months am i beginning to walk this path of trust. And i trust my time and i trust I will ride this wave length as well and we will meet in the peaks or in the valleys or in the infinite moments between those two and our two waves will give and receive energy from one another. That is all we can do. In my chest many times this morning already, a swelling of joy and love so awe(some) i expanded and left my body with a tightening of the chest and a swallowing of the throat and a hardness and a smile when i close my eyes i am so overwhelmed with experience of being an experiencing being not a rock, as Mal has said.