the blue∆dipped∆ravens are coming closer. Day seven of an offering to them. They are watching and listening. And today upside upside∆down∆girl is reminded, all the animals are listening.
upside∆down∆girl is reemerging. there was a retreat. she is returning now. she does not need the mask, she has the animals inside her.
L and upside∆down∆girl received together, this mantra,
go in instead of look at
today upside∆down∆girl draped her drawings of herself, with this mantra,
go in instead of look at
the last three drawings, the last three versions of her states of self, they had just one eye each. one pupil each. one iris each. L is wise and focused. she helps upside∆down∆girl, reminds her to listen as much as to look.
upside∆down∆girl deepened her offering to the blue∆dipped∆ravens today. the golden beads which are from the mother of upside∆down∆girl, they move now from the box, to atop the book which is also from the mother of upside∆down∆girl, and only then, to the window sill. the book tells upside∆down∆girl something each day, in order of the days, in order of the months, in order of the seasons. upside∆down∆girl got confused about the date. She looked first to tomorrow’s words. the first line read, now the magic begins. upside∆down∆girl believes in the book. It helps her focus, helps her move with the each now. helps her trust-trust.
upside∆down∆girl told herself yesterday, that today she should go to a cemetery. upside∆down∆girl remembers that this year began with her second visit to Käthe’s grave, to Käthe’s sculpted hands, to the forest which lives around Käthe’s grave.
upside∆down∆girl remembers that her life in berlin began with Käthe. with her pull. she trusts Käthe. her first visit to Käthe she was alone. she met quick∆brown∆birds at Käthe’s grave. as she met the sharp∆gray∆ravens outside her window during those first months in berlin. their claws tapped as they walked outside her nest-window, up one flight of stairs, a hinterhof open on the left to a street without cars. sharp∆gray∆ravens claw-tap-clicked the metal roof outside upside∆down∆girl’s nest, where she lived with several humans. she listened for them. she felt less scared when she heard them.
upside∆down∆girl has been clicking when she walks through the hinterhof of her now nest. she clicks three times three-clicks as she walks by the ivy which covers the one story building which closes the hinterhof in on one side. when she is in her nest, she is above this building. she looks down upon its roof which is covered in short-thick-green-red meadow. she does not hear claw-tap-clicking on this roof. still she clicks and when she clicks she thinks she clicks to the birds in the ivy. she lets them hear-learn her call. she forgets all the animals are listening.
in the room of upside∆down∆girl’s first nest in Berlin, the room where stephie slept and drew and drank and smoked and ate but never fucked, in this room upside∆down∆girl aroused an energy one night. it was the night after she slid the furniture about. she woke and knew she had disturbed-unbalanced something. she acknowledged and promised she would slide the furniture back. she did. upside∆down∆girl thinks now of the hands of the women who put Berlin back together, after the fires, the bullets, the killing, after the raping. she thinks of the children growing up, playing in the rubble piles which were growing ever smaller. she knows this is their city too. she knows that they keep it in balance. she thanks them. she feels their hands underfoot, as she climbs the stairs to her nest. she breaths their breath as she floats-pedals along the canal, as she moves through berlin.
upside∆down∆girl remembers that the year began with L and m and her all together in the black∆hole, draped in L’s golden velvet. upside∆down∆girl remembers how L watched and listened as upside∆down∆girl went into a trance, as she was pulled by the projection of a pendulum swinging towards and away from her, as her body rocked, forward on toes, back on heels, toward and away from the swinging white light. upside∆down∆girl remembers how, when she emerged from the trance L said, you were pulling the pendulum. upside∆down∆girl thought the pendulum was pulling me. she knows now, they were both, doing both. they are both, doing both.
upside∆down∆girl is still in her nest, as she is pulling her body toward the cemetery. she continues with her rituals. she dances. she places the golden bead on the metal window sill and it clicks. she dances. upside∆down∆girl continues with her rituals. she shaves her head. she continues morphing. more asymmetry. upside∆down∆girl moves toward her projection of the wizard∆peace∆warrior. focused eyes, strait back, strong exposed legs, perked-up-squirrel-ear-hair. no wizard∆peace∆warrior eyes today. she does not need them now. she continues with her rituals. she oils her body. cassia and cedar during these days of early autumn. she deepens the ritual, adds lemongrass to her ankles and to the window sills. she tells the insects with smell, do not touch me. go in instead of look at. upside∆down∆girl prepares herself for the action of this mantra.
upside∆down∆girl puts on her mother’s sweater, leaves her nest, pulls herself through berlin toward the cemetery. first through the hinterhof.
click-click-click click-click-click click-click-click
upside∆down∆girl moves through the door and onto the street. she is scared for a moment. she summons ritual courage. eyes forward, strait back, perked-up-squirrel-ear-hair. upside∆down∆girl walks past humans and trust-trusts. she sinks into the garden and looks and listens, she does not stop. she walks past humans, on dirt paths, under trees. she stops before a church. she tries to go in. It is locked. she remembers. she continues to pull herself toward the cemetery.
upside∆down∆girl does not know who she is pulling toward in the cemetery. she trust-trusts. she goes in. she walks straight, straight down a path to nikki. a circle of nikki. statue, two trees, birds, bugs, wind. nikki is everywhere. upside∆down∆girl cries. you can cry up or you can cry down. cry-up-happy, she found nikki. cry-up-happy, she remembers what nikki taught her. she remembers the last time nikki spoke to her, upside∆down∆girl was being a bully. nikki told upside∆down∆girl not to throw her-bully-words. nikki spoke kindly of how swift the human could run, the human who upside∆down∆girl was throwing her-bully-words at. you can cry up or you can cry down. nikki taught upside∆down∆girl to be kind.
i am sorry for being a bully, swift∆running∆human. upside∆down∆girl says the words. acknowledges. humility.
upside∆down∆girl sits amongst nikki and the birds. blue∆dipped∆raven flies from high to lower branches. upside∆down∆girl clicks. upside∆down∆girl listens. she hears clicks behind her. she turns slowly. red∆spiky∆squirrel is behind her. red∆spiky∆squirrel jumps closer. red∆spiky∆squirrel jumps close. moves fast and freezes. upside∆down∆girl gets scared. moves fast and freezes. they jump away from each other. red∆spiky∆squirrel clicks fast and loud. upside∆down∆girl squeaks. she called red∆spiky∆squirrel, and red∆spiky∆squirrel did come. upside∆down∆girl is sad she got scared when red∆spiky∆squirrel answered-trusted-arrived. she sits back down. try again. be still. breath.
upside∆down∆girl writes,
i am a mother to nature, care for it, for it is my child, my self, my giver
upside∆down∆girl writes
nikki leaves and i
am scared to sit still, listen
listen to squirrel
answer my clicks
have been calling, I did not
know to who, answers
a human sits next to upside∆down∆girl. close. oma sits close. opa fills the water basin. and rakes the ground. gives water to plants. tends to the living. oma sits. upside∆down∆girl cries. oma sits. no words. birds, water, wind, squirrel, breathing