the missed spaces, the missed places, the missed times, the missed rhymes, the missed persons I could have been or will be, the fear that restricts me, the choices that elate me, the food that prolongs, the life that kills and opens and winds up and scares and tears and screws, inspires and heightens and pitches and rolls and drowns and crowns and takes hold of and molds and breaks and pours into and empties and burns.

and here we steal away together


upsidogi writes

the magic begins

so long as I focus to

reveal its witch grin

upsidogi has been slowing down time. she can catch herself now. she must perform the rituals to slow down, and then upsidogi can catch herself when she gets scared. like red∆spiky∆squirrel upsidogi can freeze, listen, look, smell, think. then move, or not. upsidogi knew how to do the slow-down-time before her retreat. she forgot she knew how.  she forgot the how existed at all. she stopped sitting still with bugs∆birds∆hound∆slither∆shiny∆dark. she started moving fast like humans. upsidogi can not keep up with humans. she is trying to stop trying to keep up with humans. upsidogi moves with her breath and plays with moving like smoke and sound. upsidogi plays and performs rituals and tries not to hurt anything.

upsidogi lights a sweet∆smoke and carries it with her through the offering. she and sweet∆smoke swim with sound. upsidogi watches sweet∆smoke morphing from solid to vapor and upsidogi mimic-moves-dances and knows she knows this dance in her muscles. she has moved this way often and she is moving this way closer to always. this is an upsidogi-dance. again today the offering is deepened, inward into her, as upsidogi moves from box to book to window with golden-bead-offering for the blue∆dipped∆ravens, without knowing she is doing so. she and sweet∆smoke swirl the ritual and upsidogi enters again into an alignment with bugs∆birds∆hound∆slither∆shiny∆humans. this alignment is rare but she has moved this way before and she is moving this way closer to often.

upsidogi climbs down from here nest, does an upsidogi-dance through the hinterhof

click-click-click     click-click-click        click-click-click.  

upsidogi is moving toward j.

≠as upsidogi records these happenings her stomach and body will not sit. upsidogi moves toward food then toward sunlight, moves into stretching. upsidogi sits on the floor with food and drink held in vessels built by friend-human-hands. upsidogi smiles and stretches. and moves toward trance-mind-floating but is pulled back to her body. body hurts. body is bleeding. upsidogi-dance toward bathroom and oils. cassia-mint-oil on legs, over blue-vein-pain and over back and top of ass. upsidogi touches these places and finds and feels pain and kneads herself with her hands and with the oil. upsidogi learns from m to find muscle-knot-thread under skin and learns how to slowly untie them≠

before upsidogi-dance meets j she moves toward a stump between the train and the river-field-forest. upsidogi places feet on low∆flat∆stump and stretches legs. upsidogi starts to see how lush-bright-green-leaf-clusters are growing from the edges of stump. upsidogi smiles. stump gives upsidogi courage-energy. upsidogi has found an offering.

upsidogi wants to grow a tree. she wants to do this in her nest. later j will sit on stump while upsidogi asks to take three tree-leaf-clusters. she pulls thin-pink-roots from between old-gray-bark. a caterpillar. upsidogi places fallen bark back over caterpillar. birds are fast and always eating. later-later upsidogi will try to grow a tree in her nest. the tree-leaf-clusters turn brown. upsidogi killed them. she places them in a hole in hinterhof∆garden∆world. a hole she dug for a dead bird which was not dead yet. upsidogi helped puffed-hopping-bird out of the bucket it was stuck in. upsidogi offered puffed-hopping-bird water and seeds. upsidogi watched puffed-hopping-bird hop by water and seeds toward a small warm hole. upsidogi does not know how to help always. sometimes upsidogi hurts when she tries to help.

j sits with upsidogi for a long time this day. as upsidogi tries to know-care for trees-grasses-moss-flowers-vines j tells upsidogi how she has been receiving double-yolks. upsidogi has never cracked open a shell and found double-yolks inside. she is interested. upsidogi knows she must learn from other humans. she can not experience everything. j is excited by this double-yolk-offering. she has received them before, in another time-place with another tribe. upsidogi asks what happens after double-yolk-offering arrived. j answers-tells how the tribe felt well together, how they danced-shared-played together. upsidogi reminds j that she is dancing-sharing-playing well with this-here-now tribe. upsidogi offers a trust-trust on-to-with stump j sits upon.

j sits with upsidogi for a long time this day. upsidogi learns that j too lived in a garden∆world when she was very small. it was summoned by her grandmother, who was sometimes there. and there were white-fox-flowers and j buried time capsules in her garden∆world. upsidogi's garden∆world was summoned by her mother, who was sometimes there, and nikki was sometimes there, and robin∆hood∆hound was often-almost-always there and upsidogi and nikki buried a time capsule under the big∆apple∆tree. upsidogi unburied it by herself. nikki was nowhere in or near the garden. now upsidogi knows nikki is in the cemetery up the hill from this nest, and in the birds, and the wind. upsidogi cry-up-happy for her and nikki and j and the garden∆worlds they were gifted. always growing.

before all this, in her nest upsidogi smoke-dances to the bell-halo-hexen which j gifted upsidogi. upsidogi feels how the ritual is deepening. upsidogi feels how she must trust-trust.

upsidogi trust-trusts j. she feels j respect-nurture-dance with upsidogi and with m and their shared life. m and upsidogi have nests together. night-nests like gorilla and food-nests like squirrel and ritual-magic-nests like blue∆dipped∆raven.

j leaves upsidogi. upsidogi is not sad or mad or scared. no one can be with upsidogi always. no human can be with another human always. upsidogi turns to the dirt-moss-grass-flowers-trees. stump offered upsidogi courage-energy. upsidogi pushes her fingers into dirt. she begins slow-growth-trust-dance with dirt-moss-grass-flowers-trees. upsidogi is summoning a garden∆world.

later-later upsidogi must dance toward the human world. she climbs the stairs to her nest. she puts on cassia-ceder-mint-lavender-tea-tree oil. she puts on warrior-wizard-eyes. she leaves the nest through the hinterhof, through the summoning of a garden∆world

click-click-click        click-click-click        click-click-click

upsidogi opens the door and turns right. there is m walking towards upsidogi, towards their nest. upsidogi and m touch-wrap-arms-pull-bodies-close-breath-smell. waxing∆crescent∆moon raises behind m. upsidogi moves toward waxing∆crescent∆moon. m moves toward their nest. upsidogi rides-fast-train to the redwood. she meets small-girl-sitting-under-sky. she speaks to her. she makes the base offering of safe-clean-water to small-girl-sitting-under-sky. upsidogi asks her name.

Ich heiße Olivia

upsidogi is Stephie. time and space is folded. Nikki is standing in front of Stephie telling her not to make fun of Olivia. Nikki tells Stephie that Olivia is a beautiful runner.

upsidogi meets met swift-runner again. upsidogi has been offered a choice-chance to be kind to swift∆runner. upsidogi trust-trusts love in the where-when, before, as Stephie, she trust-trusted fear.

upsidogi-dance to and under waxing∆crescent∆moon.

∆upsidogi + prancing∆silver∆hound