the missed spaces, the missed places, the missed times, the missed rhymes, the missed persons I could have been or will be, the fear that restricts me, the choices that elate me, the food that prolongs, the life that kills and opens and winds up and scares and tears and screws, inspires and heightens and pitches and rolls and drowns and crowns and takes hold of and molds and breaks and pours into and empties and burns.

and here we steal away together


upsidogi always learns when she stop-watch-learns. she sees that her ideas about her rituals and the birds, she sees her ideas are not quite right. she can tell a story about nature but it does not make it true. upsidogi does not get mad when she stop-watch-learns and sees she is wrong. she knows it is a reminder to stop-watch-learn more-often. she wants to learn and tell true stories. she will tell the peace story.

upsidogi sits at the edge of her nest and looks out into the above-the-garden∆world. she smokes and sits and clicks. ravens caw and arrive. two. upsidogi clicks. ravens stop-watch-learn upsidogi. upsidogi sits still. upsidogi does not know what to do once the animals arrive upon her call. she thought-thinks she should feed them. but she is not calling them to feed them. they do not need her for that. upsidogi is confused for a moment. why is she calling them? she knows, in her body, but she does not know how to word it. she will try.

upsidogi will tell the peace story. upsidogi needs to be the peace story so that the peace story will exist. it does not exist now-here. upsidogi knows she can make the now-here what she is. she has done this before. so upsidogi knows how to do it. this is how she is doing it, told backwards.

upsidogi will tell the peace story < upsidogi needs to be the peace story < upsidogi needs to know the peace story < upsidogi needs to stop-watch-learn the peace story < the only example that upsidogi knows of the peace story is the animals∆plants∆nature-together-strong-peace story < upsidogi must stop-watch-learn the peace story

upsidogi now remembers, that she has already stop-watch-learned the peace story, a long time ago, as up-side-down-girl-stephie-ali-child. here is how.

upsidogi did not-does not like to be alone without humans but upsidogi likes to be without humans. she learned how to be happy-without-humans as up-side-down-girl-stephie-ali-child. she was happy-without-humans when with robin∆hood∆hound when they were outside. <Dec 9 III ∆Best Friend> and she was alone with robin∆hood∆hound when inside too. so upsidogi and robin∆hood∆hound were alone-together-happy. and upsidogi and robin∆hood∆hound were outside together-often. at first upsidogi felt more alone, because robin∆hood∆hound would run away and come back and run away and come back, but not always so fast. upsidogi sat still and waited for robin∆hood∆hound. upsidogi stop-watched-learned that when robin∆hood∆hound ran away, other animals came close.

birds∆bugs∆spiders∆a-mouse¿∆a-possum?∆a-racoon¿∆deer∆a-orange∆web-foot∆salamander∆foxes∆squirrels. upsidogi often sat still in the thick leaves and no one knew she was there. here, outside, no one knew-and-left upsidogi alone and no one didn't know-and-left upsidogi alone. the birds came to eat the bird seed and the squirrels came to eat the bird seed and sometimes upsidogi would eat the bird seed. but the eating was not the thing that upsidogi was alone-happy about. the thing, the feeling in upsidogi's stomach and in her right ear, was the together-peace. that was-is what upsidogi is-knows. upsidogi knows how to become together-strong-peace.

the ravens caw

and upsidogi arrives at the open window. and there are no ravens which upsidogi can stop-watch-learn from. upsidogi wiggles. moves. can not stop. a small∆brown∆bird dives passed the window. upsidogi stops. upsidogi wiggles. moves. can not stop. she listens to music. she does the upsidogi-ali-stephie dance. upsidogi looks downward to her hands-arms-chest-belly-hips-legs-feet-floor. when upsidogi does the upsidog-dance from where she sees, she moves, everything moves, she and everything move the same fast-slow-up-down-around. when upsidogi does the upsidog-dance from where she sees, she and everything dance-together. <Apr 28 III ∆The Prompt>

we got this

upsidogi has been calling-watching-asking to learn the together-strong-dance. she thought she was calling the blue∆dipped∆ravens. she forgot, again, that all the animals are stop-watch-learning all the time. upsidogi did not know the bats and the butterflies were-are coming closer too.

upsidogi looks for the moon. upsidogi is in love with the moon. upsidogi writes to-of the moon.

dripping off slate clouds

echoing her fog breath slips

down honey whispers

upsidogi sees night∆black∆darts. she hears a sound that does not sound like an-animal-she-knows-sound. the night∆black∆darts fly-flit-ping outside her window. they are blacker than the sky-after-moonset-glow. another movement. upsidogi freezes-stop-watch-learns. a blacker-than-the-sky floats-down-away from above upsidogi's nest-window, floats through the above-the-garden∆world. this happened after upsidogi had visited the the black∆hole. <Apr 7 I ∆The Edge> this happened after upsidogi had found the black∆butterfly∆shadow in the black∆hole. and after upsidogi had seen the black∆butterfly at b's window. upsidogi told it backwards again. now forwards.

we got this.

upsidogi visits b. to stop-watch-learn herself. like stop-watch-learn but with a helper and watching upsidogi. b helps upsidogi bend her watching inward. and upsidogi has moved from b's chair to sitting on the floor, and on this day, to the window, to the open window. upsidogi is so tired, she thinks she can not bend her watching inward. and she knows she can not give it words. she asks if b can help her more today. she asks b to lead her. b says yes. upsidogi sits at b's window, eyes closed, remembering what she just saw, the orange-brown-trees, bright-white-light, ravens and blue∆dipped∆ravens hopping-eating together in the grass, humans walking, dogs-hounds running-jumping-sitting.

b invites upsidogi down a path. upsidogi remembers the path in the park-forest-world near her home-home. <Feb 10 XII ∆Failed Dreams> upsidogi is inside upsidogi and in this park-forest-world. upsidogi goes down the path to the left, left, down. second to the left. she floats down the path, through its trees as she hears the wind of berlin through the trees of berlin outside b's window. she floats down to the wide∆shallow∆steam, to where her and her mother and robin∆hood∆hound would stop-be-joy. where she and robin∆hood∆hound would be close-alone and where she and her mother would be far-alone. where there was together-strong-peace between those three and in that way, not too close, not too far. she floats above and sees the bright∆white∆light on the water scatter-scurry-fly back up through the trees and around all her.

b asks upsidogi to return. b asks if upsidogi has taken anything back with her. upsidogi says no. upsidogi opens her eyes and the black∆butterfly flit-float-dances in the window, toward the below right of upsidogi, and flit-float-dances back out the window. upsidogi and b smile-giggle.

the ravens call

upsidogi clicks. she stop-watch-learns. she listens, she wiggles. she moves. everything moves, she and everything move the same way. she and everything dance. she looks further out-away towards feet, legs, other humans. together-strong-peace-dance. upsidogi knows how to use her body. how to be mother-serpent. <Aug 31 V ∆The Whirlpool> upsidogi knows how to be peace. how to be the center of peace. <Mar 31 XVII ∆Through the Black Hole>

upsidogi must and can only do the upsidogi dance. she must know it. she must find it if she has lost it. when upsidogi does the upsidogi-dance she does the together-strong-peace-dance.

we got this

upsidogi begins to see humans doing the together-strong-peace-dance as she too is doing the upsidogi-together-strong-dance. she watches a tall slender human lift-hover them self, a hummingbird. smile-smile-eyes-smile-transformation. upsidogi does the upsidogi-dance for herself and for smile-smile-eyes-smile-transformations. humans stop-watch-learn upsidogi. they see upsidogi.

upsidogi has been transforming. a shedding. a growing. upsidogi visits the black∆hole to fill up. to find the wizard∆peace∆warrior. upsidogi stop-watch-learns toward the black∆hole and the black∆hole stop-watch-learns toward upsidogi.

in the black∆hole, upsidogi feels pain. she does not know now, but she will be bleeding the next day. she has been outside of her body. she has been helping another human. she has not gone deep enough inside her body to know why the pain is so much. inside the black∆hole upsidogi can go deep inside her mind though, and through her body from her mind pathway. upsidogi listens. upsidogi hears the heartbeat. hears the heartbeat of the whole music. upsidogi moves to the heartbeat, and to her breath and to her heartbeat and from there, upsidogi's whole body that often appears as one, turns into many separate parts, like the body of a bug. upsidogi's many-body-parts move all differently, different fast-slow-up-down-different-arounds. and she has painted her body too. <May 12 IV ∆Markings> upsidogi has painted her body with the help of another human, so as upsidogi does the upsidogi-dance the lines on her body swirl around a center that is deep inside her. upsidogi does the together-strong-dance with herself.

upsidogi is in the black∆hole and the black∆hole is in upsidogi. she looks up and she sees she is in front of a shadow that is shadowing from inside a wall. it looks like the residue of what had been there. what? upsidogi moves toward the shadow and opens her arms. upsidogi's fingers stretch out and up, they touch the edges of the wall∆shadow. upsidogi lifts her heel. upsidogi's hair-spike-head is surrounded by a print of white drips that drip upward toward the ceiling. upsidogi knew-knows she is upside∆down∆girl. she is the black∆butterfly hanging from the floor. and she remembers that she is caterpillar-bug-many-part body as well, and all the moments of transformation in the chrysalis-mother-womb. <Dec 2 II ∆Roots> upsidogi sheds and dances and is upsidogi, with her kunt uncovered, she feels the air on her lips and her hair. she feels nothing except her body dancing to-with-for it's asymmetrical self.

∆upsidogi ritual I