the missed spaces, the missed places, the missed times, the missed rhymes, the missed persons I could have been or will be, the fear that restricts me, the choices that elate me, the food that prolongs, the life that kills and opens and winds up and scares and tears and screws, inspires and heightens and pitches and rolls and drowns and crowns and takes hold of and molds and breaks and pours into and empties and burns.

and here we steal away together

∆upsidogi ritual I

upsidogi painted a halo around a version of stephie. she shaved stephie's head. a dye and silver paint on wood-head. upsidogi∆ali∆stephie is afraid of cancer cells. upsidogi is suffering, because often-almost-always upsidogi is the version who is not afraid. upsidogi is not afraid of the dark like stephie is. upsidogi and stephie put the blankets over their head for opposite reasons. to keep the light out and to keep the dark out. their mother worries about them breathing. she tells them to make a breathing hole. mother worried-worries about upsidogi∆ali∆stephie. and upsidogi∆ali∆stephie worried-worries about mother. they worry and help each other, because they love each other.

then upsidogi thinks, do they worry and help and love because they both have hate for part of themself. is it the same part of themself. then upsidogi thinks, is the hate and the cancer-cells the same. and she thinks, she does not have cancer-cells because she does not have this hate anymore.  

upsidogi gets up and dances and balances and stop-watch-learns the yellow leaf laying atop the brown red plant growing atop the roof of the building that makes one wall of the garden∆world. and upsidogi draws on the back of the scroll where she has been drawing her versions of herself. she draws a new version as she traces an old version and she sees her image for the first time. she sees a head with three eyes.

as ali writes this she knows that stephie has been drawing these versions of herself ever since she learned to draw herself. stephie is always surprised how different each self-drawing-version is. and now stephie∆ali∆upsidogi sees this first upsidogi version. and they know that this upsidogi version is, because upsidogi learned-knows how to be-see-herself again.

we got this.

upsidogi knows she gifts courage. she did not know this as stephie or ali. as upsidogi, by just being upsidogi, she gifts courage. she is powerful. she remembers gift∆of∆sun, who comes from a place where the sun rises, when the sun rises on Berlin. upsidogi remembers how she stop-watch-learned as gift∆of∆sun transformed. as they found a scale. as their hips moved as a mother's hips move, as they did the peace-dance with them self. as their golden fabric slithered around their body from hips to neck to head. upsidogi did the upsidogi dance and like a mirror gift∆of∆sun did the gift∆of∆sun dance and they gifted her hope and she gifted them courage. they told upsidogi she gifted them courage. and she knew then-there that is her medicine∆gift. upsidogi does the together-strong-peace-dance with her upsidogi-self, and humans stop-watch-learn.

we got this.

upsidogi is deep in a ritual, in a vortex∆whirl∆pool. she is being pulled from the surface of the pool through to its ocean floor. she is a spiraling snake with her mother. <Sep 9 VI ∆The Vortex> upsidogi is stop-watch-learning herself and she sees the ancient-oldest-animal that lives inside her. she stop-watch-learns herself as she submerges-immerses and feels the equanimity of air and water. she feels-knows a nest in both places. upsidogi now knows the together-strong-peace-dance with herself occurs when she sees-knows-stop-watch-learns this ancient part of herself. this serpent covered in sun∆dust∆mud.

upsidogi killed someone as stephie. upsidogi knows that inside her is the stephie who was-is so hurt-scared-ferocious that she killed the love-trust-hope in a human. she killed it with a mindless-stomping-foot as she had a tantrum in the ancient∆sacred∆forest. a mindless-stomping-foot falling on saplings and ancient sun∆dust∆mud. upsidogi knows she can kill when she does not do the peace-together-strong dance where it is possible. she must choose.

upsidogi remembers how she asked mal, as a ripple of body-smiles moved toward them through a crowd,

do you see the peace-dance?

mal said, yes.

upsidogi and urban∆guerilla∆dandy stop-watch-learn-know-do the together-strong-peace-dance.

we got this.

upsidogi is deep in a ritual. she writes as she stop-watch-learns knows. she is very close to knowing-acting-recording. upsidogi stop-watch-learn-knows that the vortex∆whirl∆pool is on the surface and the floor and the space between and around and that it does not exist without the matter which makes it and which is being pulled by it.

upsidogi draws the space where upsidogi∆clay∆serpent will emerge in the presence of other humans. upsidogi was-knew upsidogi∆clay∆serpent for the first time, when she felt-knew the vortex∆whirl∆pool inside her. when upsidogi does the together-strong-peace-dance in the presence of other humans as upsidogi∆clay∆serpent the together-strong-peace-dance will exist as a drop∆ripple∆vortex. <Nov 18 Preface>

we got this.

upsidogi is deep in a ritual and feels-knows-understands what was-is-can-be in the black∆hole. this is why she went there as stephie∆upsidogi∆child <Nov 25 17 Vignettes: Part I, I ∆Black Hole> and why she went-go-goes there now again-always as upsidogi. <Apr 7 I ∆The Edge>


∆upsidogi ritual II