the missed spaces, the missed places, the missed times, the missed rhymes, the missed persons I could have been or will be, the fear that restricts me, the choices that elate me, the food that prolongs, the life that kills and opens and winds up and scares and tears and screws, inspires and heightens and pitches and rolls and drowns and crowns and takes hold of and molds and breaks and pours into and empties and burns.

and here we steal away together

∆upsidogi-shapeshifter

upsidogi is a shapeshifter. she is stephie and she is ali and she is squirrel and lizard. thus far, these are her forms. upsidogi does not know who she will be. who is in her. they each reveal themself in their own time, in their own way. like her three-central-silver-painted-fingers. she did not know when she began the nail-painting-ritual, that these were her lizard claws that would offer the gold bead to the blue∆dipped∆ravens. she simply began repeating the chosen pattern, because she knew as she painted the claws, that it was her, that she had found one of her lost scales from the retreat.


upsidogi retreated herself from other humans. she hid from them. long ago and for a long time. she will not retreat again. she will not and she can not. but upsidogi knows not everyone is ready for upsidogi.


a wave grows in the open ocean. a building of invisible strength. some will be pulled into the wave from the bottom of the deepest of the seas. some will be pulled into the wave at the very last moments, will be pulled in from the wave that is bouncing before it off the rocks. upsidogi knows, there are different currents. there are colliding-accumulating-waves. as upsidogi tells her story in this way, she feels courage-peace-strong. she knows what to do.


we go this


upsidogi knows now she is a storyteller. she can tell herself any story at all, about what she sees-feels from where she is, here-now. stephie tells hurt-sad-lonely stories. ali tells beautiful-melancholy-mundane stories. upsidogi needs to tell the story of together-peace-strong. she catches herself being pulled into a stephie story, often but less-often. upsidogi knows there is no longer time for this kind of story. upsidogi knows that she can control the here-now. she chooses to tell a peace-story. she must choose each time, choose to join the wave. upsidogi must choose to be peace and tell this story.


ever since upsidogi buried the bird in the garden∆world-hinterhof, the bird she watched transform from movement-fluffy-fear into a sharp-still-shard, ever since she stopped-watched-learned, upsidogi has been in the middle of a bird story. they invite her closer so she can learn. and upsidogi invites them closer, with her calls, with her offerings, with her attention. stop-watch-learn. upsidogi did not know she would become the center of a bird-sky-swirl. but the birds are always here. upsidogi can always learn.


the bird-sky-swirl gifts upsidogi courage. courage to shed lies. upsidogi makes a bleeding-shedding-dancing offering to-in the black∆hole. bleeding from her cunt, tits out, nipples swollen, dancing, moving, bleeding, hurting, trust-trusting. humans watch her body in the black∆hole, watch her unmasking of her body, watch her truth-trusting herself. upsidogi knows her wave is a strong wave. she does not need the mask any longer.


we got this


and we have moon too. these days moon is a brilliant crisp-autumn-white-moon. moon is a shape-shifter too. so much gifted courage from the sky-swirl.


i'm in love with the

moon. my heart strings bleed for her

emerging pink light


upsidogi is beginning to witness her own wave patterns. urban∆guerilla∆dandy reminded upsidogi how to stop-watch-learn. upsidogi stop-watch-learns outward and inward. upsidogi sees-learns how she must fill herself back up each day each night. that she must fill the drop which she drops. the drop that makes the waves. no one can fill up upsidogi except for upsidogi. she is beginning to witness her own wave patterns. upsidogi finds the trust-trusts in her notebook and on the street, finds these waves from her trust-trust-spilling-ritual. she writes them for herself and for Berlin.


upsidogi is learning to trust-trust the waves which ripple back to her, the waves she creates and pulls with her body-gravity. ^Aug 31 V ∆The Whirlpool^ upsidogi is slapping against strength-waves all the time. she knows how to feed-fill herself.


we got this


the sun is out. the winter-wind is out. you can cry up or you can cry down. upsidogi wraps her neck in gold fabric from her mother, warrior∆peace∆wizard-flames. like warrior∆peace∆wizard-eyes, this gives her strength. upsidogi believes warrior∆peace∆wizard-flames will make someone happy today when they flicker in the sun-wind. happiness is powerful. upsidogi is peace-powerful.


upsidogi rides to tempelhofer feld to fill up. she floats in a vortex toward the center. she floats beside humans and toward humans and away from humans. ^-.7.18^ she fills up a lot when she sees sharp∆brown∆hawk diving-floating-balancing. upsidogi does not know what she will see sharp∆brown∆hawk do three days later. she does not know the sharp part of the story that is to come. upsidogi is filled up by such surprises, because she can not imagine them herself. and upsidogi is very good at imagining.


upsidogi sees golden∆dart∆bird-flocks and sees-learns that they precede her as she float-peddle-rides through the field. golden∆dart∆birds scatter before she becomes between them. she hears their high-round-tweets behind her. upsidogi float-peddle-rides by and through this sky-bird-swirl.


we got this


back in her nest upsidogi-shape-shifter writes with a gold bead perched between her lips. she missed her offering to the blue∆dipped∆ravens yesterday. she was with stytch. she was sharing-learning-being. upsidogi tries to trust-trust that rituals do not need to be rigid like a very old tree. that they must bend like a young tree. upsidogi must trust-trust to find a balance between humans and upsidogi. she can not live alone with her rituals. she can not live without the peace-together-strong-dance. she must choose to join the wave. upsidogi missed the gold-bead-offering yesterday so today she holds the gold-bead-offering perched between her lips, as the blue∆dipped∆ravens will do. she writes with the gold-bead-offering perched between her lips.


upsidogi removes the bead so she can read to herself, her words. her story. upsidogi stop-watch-learns from upsidogi too. and now-always from the ravens and the blue∆dipped∆ravens. she sees that they perch-balance-watch-together from a corner in the above-the-garden∆world. they watch upsidogi. upsidogi moves closer. she throws the gold-bead-offering into the above-the-garden∆world.


blue time of roosting

flocks. time of raven pairs perch,

watch our hinterhof


upsidogi moves toward tempelhofer feld often, alone and with urban∆guerilla∆dandy. and always with the birds. upsidogi finds a pile-stone-offering at the center of the trees at the center of the field. at the center of the birds. upsidogi and urban∆guerilla∆dandy sit-watch-below as raven and sharp∆brown∆hawk fly-fight-scream around them and directly above them. upsidogi knows she and urban∆guerilla∆dandy are exactly where they can only be. upsidogi wants to learn how to do the together-strong-dance with urban∆guerilla∆dandy. with everyone. upsidogi knows now she has been calling-watching-asking the birds to help her learn the together-strong-dance.


we got this


upsidogi reminds herself to tell the peace-story. to be the peace-story. upsidogi reminds stephie to not begin telling the scared-alone-story. upsidogi knows it is time to fill herself up. upsidogi must return again to the center of the trees at the center of the field. she wears wizard∆peace∆warrior-flames and float-peddle-rides past the fence that keeps her and other humans here and not there. past the fence that like all walls, keeps humans from doing the together-strong-dance. upsidogi sees-hears two children at the fence. she does not know their words. she does understand their want-need movements and sounds. they show her. they want-need the ball that is on the side of the fence with upsidogi. winter-wind is pushing the ball fast. upsidogi has her warrior∆peace∆wizard-flames. she is faster than wind. she flies toward the ball. she catches the ball. she brings the ball back to the children, their fingers reaching through fence.


upsidogi pushes the ball under the fence. happy-smiles. doing-learning-together-strong dance. they run away to play and upsidogi floats-pedal-rides to the center of the trees in the center of the field. upsidogi sits-stretch-dances. she stop-watch-learns. she see three hawks floating above-together. she sees no ravens. upsidogi writes a trust-trust on the ground near the stone-pile-offering. upsidogi floats-pedal-rides toward the redwood, out of the field. she passes the ravens of tempelhofer feld on her way through Berlin, in the grass on the street in the sky. they are everywhere. the wave swells.

∆upsidogi∆black∆butterfly

∆upsidogi + prancing∆silver∆hound